How far would you go to save the relationship with the woman you love?
There’s a lot of relationship advice out there preaching the need for better communication. That makes sense. After all, without communication a relationship can fall apart quickly.
What most of this advice misses is the need for personal growth to make that communication work. When our inner voice is weak, whatever we do communicate is going to project our insecurities.
Bettering ourselves improves all of our relationships. It’s also how you can save your relationship from a break up. When things are on the brink of collapse, it’s time to turn inwards.
Sorting out our own shortcomings is the long term solution to the challenges we face in life. It’s how you can be a better man for her, and for yourself.
The following advice (in part) comes from an interview with Ryan and Myself.
One of the key ingredients for any self improvement is personal responsibility. Without it, all efforts are futile.
Blaming others for anything in life means giving our own power away. Even when something isn’t our fault, focusing on what someone else did prevents moving forward.
[quote cite='Ryan Michler' align='none']Four years into our marriage, we went through a separation and, for a long time, I blamed her and how she wasn't being a good wife. I came to the conclusion it wasn't all her fault. Surprise, surprise! I actually had something to do with this. So I really went to work on myself and I stopped blaming her and focused on the only thing that I can control - myself.[/quote]
When saving a relationship, start with personal responsibility. The blame game prevents anything from getting done, and is poison for the soul.
So how do we divide responsibility in a relationship?
[quote cite='Ryan Michler' align='none']I'm always shocked and a little surprised when I hear a man say, "Well, it takes two to be in a relationship. She probably had something to do with it." Yes, I certainly agree with that. But, here's the deal: I can't control her. I can't change her. I can't make her do or believe or behave a certain way. All that I can do is focus on myself and hope that she's gonna respond positively.[/quote]
We don’t. If we try to divide personal responsibility we give the whole cow away! Not your wife, it’s an expression…
In any case:
This goes right back to personal responsibility. We can’t control our partners actions, but we can set a positive example. This means taking full responsibility for the outcomes of our relationships.
If you want to save your relationship then take 100% responsibility for it. The example you set will create a standard which will influence your partner. That’s what a leader does.
The way people react to us is often a mirror of our own behavior. Where I live, I hear people talking about how ‘cold’ people are here. How everyone is so unfriendly or shy - This is odd to me because it’s not my experience.
I get smiles and meet friendly, helpful people all of the time. That’s because of how I treat others. I don’t expect them to treat me well first. Instead, I extend my hand in friendship without expecting anything in return.
The same people who complain about others being unfriendly walk around with scowls on their faces.
[quote cite='Ryan Michler' align='none']Ninety-nine per cent of the time, a woman is going to respond positively to you becoming a better man. Just like ninety-nine per cent of the time a man will respond positively to his wife becoming a better woman.[/quote]
Whether it’s in dating, our relationships, or even our finances, if something is wrong we should look in the mirror before blaming anyone else.
A buddy of mine was on the road to divorce: his marriage was not working out and depression was creeping in.
So what did he do?
He started focusing on himself.
He didn’t beg his wife to reconcile. He also didn’t let the depression and fear of losing his marriage control him.
Instead, he focused on his business, his health and diet, and his hobbies. All of a sudden, she started becoming attracted to him again.
Women are attracted to men who can carry themselves. Having our own personal interest feeds the soul. When we focus on our own lives as a separate entity from our relationships, we allow ourselves room to grow.
When our partners see this, they become attracted to the positive energy we project. Just as neediness tends to repel people, independance attracts them.
The people around us feed off our energy.
If you're negative or depressed, other people are going feel depressed around you. If you're high energy or positive, other people are going to feel good around you.
When we deplete our masculine energy we don’t have any fuel left for our relationship.
Our partners feed off of our masculine energy just as we feed off of their feminine energy. Maintaining that polarity keeps the balance. It’s the glue that keeps us together, and without it things fall apart.
Ryan puts it well:
“We each have energy; we have this physical energy that we bring to the relationship. So what I see a lot of the time is men will get into a relationship with their wife, their girlfriend, whatever it may be - and they'll immediately start neglecting other elements of their lives.
The first thing to go is their friends. The next thing to go is their hobbies. And the next thing to go is their physical health.
When we get rid of those three things, what we end up doing is eliminating our source of energy as men in a relationship. Because we no longer have a way to provide our own masculine energy to the relationship, which is what she's looking for, what ends up happening is that we ask her to provide it.
Not only the feminine energy, we ask her to provide the masculine energy too. Then we hear things like, "My wife is no longer attracted to me." "The spark is not there." "We're not in love anymore."
Yeah, because you're not bringing anything to the relationship and she doesn't need you!
The first thing any man can do if he's struggling in a relationship like this, is to find a way to recharge. Find a way to provide your own energy. When you start to provide your own energy, your woman, your wife, your girlfriend, whoever, will start to recognize it. She can see it. ‘Oh, oh, look at Ryan. He's got energy! He has the masculine energy that me, as a woman, needs in my life. I'm attracted to that.’
Then we can rekindle that spark. This works for men as well as it does for women.”
Ryan: "This is how it goes: women are generally better at providing their own energy because they usually are a lot better at doing things for themselves. Not to be selfish, but to take care of themselves.
They'll go out with their girlfriends and pamper themselves, doing things that they need to have this energy. But guys usually give it up.
This is the trap: they give it up for noble reasons like, "I don't have time because I'm busy at work providing for the family," or "I don't have time because I've got my kids' sports' team that I'm coaching." So, they give all of this up because they say that they're taking care of their family, but you can only do that for so long.
Learn to take care of yourself. Give yourself some space. Give yourself some margins. Too many men just stack up their days. They have no time for themselves. I'm not talking about things like sitting around on the couch and being lazy, watching TV or a movie.
I'm talking about doing things deliberately and intentionally that are gonna uplift you and then communicating effectively with your wife. Letting her know that I'm doing this becuz I need to recharge and when I'm recharged, I can come back to the relationship with more energy. More passion, more drive and more focus and clarity in making this thing work between us."
I consulted a man who was married to a woman who had an A-type personality. She was ambitious, had her own business and liked doing things for herself.
Their ten-year marriage ended in divorce.
When it ended, she told him directly why things fell apart. She lost her attraction for him because she felt like she was “wearing the pants” in their relationship.
Even though she was this ambitious woman, in their relationship she wanted him to be the man. In his mind he thought he could ‘take the back seat’ because she was independant. Obviously, she could handle everything on her own.
He didn't realize that this doesn't work well in a relationship. There needs to be polarity between the masculine and feminine. Him taking the backseat forced her to take on the masculine role.
As Ryan puts it:
“If the wife is providing all the masculine energy, she doesn't need you, physically and emotionally, or mentally in her life because she's doing it all. If we don't need each other, what's the point of having each other around?
I know that doesn't sound doesn't sound nice, but that's the reality. If she doesn't need me and I'm not valuable in some way, there's no point to me being around and visa versa.”
In the end, it’s all about owning yourself, and controling the only thing you can; your actions.
Although other factors can come into play, we should always look at ourselves first when things are going badly.
Maybe she isn’t right for you, maybe she’s the one with the bad character. Even if that’s the case, we choose our partners. If we chose someone with bad character, that reflects directly on us.
Why did we choose to be with someone who isn’t good for us?
I know from personal experience: I’ve picked some of the worst possible relationships in the past.
They taught me that there was a weakness in my own character. That’s why I kept ending up in the same toxic relationships. The pain from my failures forced me to look in the mirror.
When my character changed, the problem fixed itself.
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