Have you ever felt a dissonance between what a woman is saying with her words versus what she seems to be saying with the rest of her?
Here at Order of Man, you guys are about becoming the men you're meant to be, which is super badass. Part of being that man is relating to women in a way that feels really good for you and for them.
To do that, it helps to understand women and what we're thinking and feeling beyond the immediately obvious.
Today I'm going to share with you a few key insights into deciphering a woman's mixed signals so you can read her more easily in the moment, avoid unnecessary misunderstanding, and supercharge your chemistry and closeness.
SO MANY of her mixed signals can be traced back to her wanting your love in a CERTAIN WAY and not knowing how to directly tell you that.
You may show love differently than the woman in your life, and that can result in her not feeling loved for things you’re doing to love her! So in your mind, you’ve been loving her really well, but in her mind, she’s not getting what she most craves.
For example, you might share love towards her through doing little things around the house to make her life easier, while her #1 way of receiving love might be through touch.
You’re mowing the lawn, and all she wants is a BEAR HUG.
There's a good framework to explore this called the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman that can help you understand how you and the woman you're with (or the kind of woman you'd like to date) naturally expresses and receives love.
Here's a brief overview of each of the 5 languages:
● Quality Time: Meaningful and fun time spent together.
● Words of Affirmation: Compliments, verbal encouragement, and loving acknowledgement.
● Gifts: Physical gifts, great or small.
● Acts of Service: Helpful gestures that make another’s life easier and more enjoyable.
● Physical Touch: Affection through touch and physical closeness.
You can take a quiz here to see what your natural love languages are, and you can ask the woman in your life to take the quiz as well so you can understand her better.
When you know how her ways of receiving love may be different than yours, you have the insight and resources you need to love her really well and to also share how you'd like to be loved. It’s really fun to “love outside your comfort zone” and watch how much it delights her, and vice versa.
You know that moment when she's either telling you something is okay when you can tell it isn't, or when she is clearly thinking something that she is not saying?
Here are a few hidden clues to decipher what she is feeling in the moment so you can get to the underlying truth beneath the words:
How does her body language look?
Is she tense, rigid, breathing shallowly or tensely?
Are her arms crossed, and is she backing away or creating distance in that moment?
How is her face and eye contact?
Does she look unhappy, and is she looking away and avoiding eye contact?
How is her tone of voice?
Is her voice strained or forced, or is she abrupt and tense and quick in how she talks?
Or, is she trailing off and sighing a lot and seeming depleted and irritated?
If any of those things are happening while she's saying, "Sure, everything is fine," or, "Sure, go ahead honey," then everything is not fine, and she doesn’t want you to go ahead.
She is feeling something she's not saying.
Maybe she doesn't know what she's feeling, so she doesn't want to bring it up yet, or maybe she thinks she shouldn't be feeling the way she is.
A lot of women (and men!) are taught to bottle away feelings that aren’t “pleasant” so maybe her feelings are buried a little too far down for even her to see and acknowledge them outright at first.
When this happens, the best thing you can do is show her some love via what you know about her love languages and what she has responded well to in similar situations in the past.
You can also refer to this interesting comment thread on Reddit, which goes into the differences in how men and women communicate. It’s a really thought-provoking little snippet, and it’s fun to read and easy to understand.
Have you ever been turned-on, suggested sex to your significant other, and gotten a less than enthusiastic response?
Sometimes as a guy, it can hurt your pride a bit. When your pride is hurt, it can be tempting to pull back a lot from her, overcompensating for the small amount of pull-away she did.
Do NOT assume it's a “no” just because she isn't doing backflips over it.
Sometimes she's not saying "no" to something in its entirety, just one mode of it. For example, maybe she's not saying "no" to sex tonight period, just "no" to right-here-right-now sex... for example, if she's not had a shower yet or if she's feeling stressed.
Or maybe she's saying no to a tender mood from you when what she wants is an aggressive mood (which would likely feel invigorating to you too!).
So here's what to do:
In the short-term, do your best to intuit what she might want and what might turn her on. A slow, firm hug does WONDERS.
In the long-term is where the real magic happens.
Later on or the next day when you're both already feeling close and bonded, you can bring up that moment.
You can say something like, "Hey honey, last night it felt like a part of you might have wanted sex even though you said ‘no’ in the moment. Is there a way I can turn you on more? Was there something missing last night that you wanted?"
She very well may say, “I didn’t say ‘no’! I just xyz!” and you can feel closer and clearer already.
No matter what her experience was in that moment, in this new conversation, you can each share in an open and transparent way about what you each want.
It is VERY IMPORTANT to remember your trust in the other person (assuming you've each earned each other's trust) whenever something feels tight or activating.
As long as you're both earnest about finding your way through tender topics so you can enjoy a phenomenal love life, you will go very, very far. It starts with being curious, non-confrontational, and non-defensive. Nonviolent Communication is a great resource for that.
Through the mixed signals and other complexities of relating with women, there is a straightforward way to bring your best to the table:
It's what I call the Turn-On Equation.
Relaxation + Excitement = Turn-On.
See if you can bring more relaxation and excitement into your lives via the 5 Love Languages and some helpful Nonviolent Communication tools up your sleeve.
Also, continually stay resourceful and present to her as you adore her the best way you can, and remember to interpret little sweet things from her as adoration and admiration as well.
When you do those things, you're on your way to deciphering women's mixed signals like a pro and helping the women in your life see things more clearly with you than without you.
Sarah Jones is the founder of Introverted Alpha, where she helps smart introverted men attract women naturally without being someone they’re not. Her work has been featured in Forbes, Cosmo, Business Insider, The Huffington Post, San Francisco Chronicle, and more. If you’re a single introverted man, go to IntrovertedAlpha.com today to get free resources on building your confidence and becoming a benevolent badass with women.
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