FFN 003: Building Your Confidence

Welcome to your Friday Field Notes - a short episode delivered each week designed to help you think critically about what it means to be a man.

My goal is to help you become a better leader in your family, your business, and your community.

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This week, I talk about how you can build more confidence in your life. You can listen in or read the transcript below.

Transcript, Building Your Confidence

Men, what is going on today! Welcome to the third episode of your Friday Field Notes!

It’s been a crazy week around here. We released the interview I had with Jocko on Tuesday and things have been blowing up since. I’ve received a ton of feedback from you expressing your appreciation for the interview and the conversation Jocko and I had.

If you haven’t checked it out yet, go back after you listen to this show and download that one. It is the single most download episode to date and I promise you won’t be disappointed!

Alright, let’s get into the chat today. As you know, we’re not about the fluff and the frills here. We’re about jumping right into this and having the serious conversations you want have. And, the ones that will help you become the man you’re working to become – a better father, a better husband, a better business owner, a better leader, a better man!

So, with that said, I want to talk with you today about confidence. It is absolutely something each and every one of us needs to develop more fully in our lives.

Without confidence, we WILL NOT live up to our full potential. And, the reason that we won’t live up to our full potential is because, without confidence, we will not do the things done - to the measure they need to be done - to have success in our lives.

I get emails and messages every single week from men across the planet asking this very question: “How do I build more confidence?” Confidence with the ladies, confidence in their work, confidence with themselves, just more confidence.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the majority of the men who are asking about confidence are ACTUALLY asking about something else entirely.

You see, a lot of guys will suggest they want the confidence, for example, to approach a woman they find attractive. That, my friends, is not confidence. That is COURAGE. That’s it – it’s courage.

It takes courage to approach that woman. Of course, you as a human being are thinking about all the things that could go wrong – she could reject you, you could say something stupid, you could trip and fall on your face, you might have a booger hanging out of your nose. That’s real, I get that.

And, in order to overcome that, you will need some level of courage. They ability to look at something you’re afraid of and do it anyways. Courage!

So, how do you build more confidence? Action guys. A-C-T-I-O-N, action!

“Well I don’t have the confidence to take action,” someone will invariably tell me.

Who cares, you don’t need it! You don’t need confidence to take action. You need courage. Of course you don’t have any confidence! You haven’t done it yet and therefore you don’t have the confidence that only comes from DOING!

Whether that’s approaching the woman like I talked about or going to the gym after sitting on your couch for the last 5 years, or re-engaging with your wife after a decade of growing apart, walking into your boss’ office and asking for that raise you think you deserve.

The only way to build confidence is to remove the uncertainty of whether or not you can do it. And, the only way to remove the uncertainty is to ACTUALLY do the thing you’re afraid to do.

That’s why I say it’s all about the courage brothers! It’s been said that courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to take action despite it.

Now, here’s the cool thing about this confidence/courage/action conundrum we’re talking about here: it’s a cycle. One right decision leads to another which leads to another which leads to another.

So, for example, you’re ready to ask for a raise. You feel fear, of course.

“How’s this going to go down?”

“Is my boss going to fire me?”

“Am I going to look like an idiot?”

Right, all those things you tell yourself.

But you decide that you really think you deserve a raise. You get tough for a minute, call upon some of that mental fortitude (this is the courage part) that all of us have to some degree and you march into your boss’ office (that’s the taking action part).

After some talking, some negotiation, some gnashing of teeth, some resolve, your boss says, “okay.”

BOOM – confidence! But it only comes after you display courage and take action.

Now, because you displayed courage and because you took action, you built more confidence.

So the next time you’re faced with something difficult, for example having a tough conversation with a subordinate at work, you are now more confident in your ability to have tough conversations.

And, because you’re more confident in your ability to have tough conversations, the fear that would have gripped the “old you” is not quite as noticeable. And, because the fear that would have gripped the “old you” is not quite as noticeable you are more capable of taking decisive action. And because you’re more capable of taking decisive action, you have that tough conversation with your subordinate and BOOM – even more confidence!

This is how it’s done men! Courage leads action, action leads to confidence, confidence leads to more courage and the cycle continues.

Like so many things in life, my friends, the result is in the doing!

So, I’m going to challenge you today. I’m challenging you to do something that you’ve been afraid of. I know we like to pretend we’re not afraid because we’re MEN, but think about this for a minute. What have you been afraid of doing for the last week, month, or even YEAR.

Ask a certain somebody on a date, tell your wife you love her, ask for a raise, hit the gym? GO DO IT.

And, once you’ve done it, reach out to me and let me know if that courage you displayed didn’t lead you to more action, and didn’t help you build more confidence. You can email me at ryan@orderofman.com with your story.

Alright men, that is your Friday Field Notes. Make sure to catch our full show released every Tuesday morning including our interview on Tuesday of this week with Navy SEAL Jocko Willink.

Be courageous, take action, build confidence, and become the man you were meant to be!